I Can't Wait Until the Da Vinci Code Opens!

Because that will bring me one day closer to its closing. Now that this weak compilation of text-based computer game plots has elbowed its way into the national dialog, I'm now certain I can feel us all getting lamer.

Could the fans of The Da Vinci Code and the fans of the Left Behind books please sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up? Neither of your books is credible! Their plots are silly. Their popularity, and the respect their popularity accords them is further evidence that humanity needs to evolve a better organ for distinguishing shit from shinola. The arguments between you are pointless and they're giving me a fucking headache. You people are worse than trekkies! Yes, trekkies engage in brainless fights over Kirk vs. Picard, but they don't take the fight to "Nightline". The things you're squabbling over don't matter to life as we know it on this planet. You people aren't news. Stop pretending that you are!

Sorry I went off there, gang. It's just that seeing the umpteenth "Da Vinci Code" book-and-soundtrack TV ad (the most impressive story of this era my ass) put me off my feed. There are good books out there, people. Pass the display stands for these bound and wrapped bundles of offal, find these good books, and read them. There are genuine mysteries in the universe--is there life under the ice sheet of Europa, will we be able to employ negative energy to travel faster than light or backward in time one day? Once you start fiddling with these, tales of what Jesus did with whom after he died and what hokey secret code leads to which imaginary relic start to look small and sad and silly.