Goddamn It No!

The New Kids on the Block are reforming. New album, new tour. Are all you motherfucking people out of your motherfucking minds?!? Of all the achievements of the 1990s--terminating the first Bush presidency, the Internet, Grunge music, Seinfeld--the most important was the death of the New Kids. Their destruction made all of these other things possible. Now we bring them back! How dead is a culture when it's trying to resurrect this:



Okay, America, I've been patient. I've tried to preserve a sense of calm and proportion as you've allowed Michael Bay to have a career that doesn't involve mopping shitty water away from the broken toilet in an Alabama prison. I've sat there stunned while you allowed George W. Bush access to the White House twice. I've endured the idea that you're going to remake The Incredible Hulk a mere five years after its first release. But this is so clearly a cry for help that I cringe at your future. Please America, get the help you need now, because with NKOTB coming back, a Tommy Page revival can't be far behind, and I can't watch you go there. It'll tear me up inside. Please, I beg you. Stop yourselves before it's too late.