The Worst Sequels 3: The Dregs of the Dregs

At last this exegesis on bad movies reaches its climax, and, as is usually the case when you've reached the third installment of a series, the worst is yet to come. You can read the previous entries here and here.

So here are the final four:

4. Outlaw of Gor: Jack Palance has frequently crapped bigger than this movie, which tells the story of Tarl Cabot. Cabot has a special power. By his very presence he can induce others to compulsively repeat his name. (Imdb reports that the name Cabot is invoked fifty-five times in the movie's first ten minutes.) Palance plays the high priest Xenos, who poisons geriatrics on behalf of the evil Queen Lara and whose hats are taller and more fashion-forward than those of the Pope. Anyway, Cabot gets caught up in Lara and Xenos's machinations to gain power over this papier-mache empire, and Cabot's forced to wander the desert in a leather thong with his trusty midget friend by his side. Many hinders, buffalo shots, and oiled-up catfights ensue. This film features Watney Smith, the second most grating character in film history.

3. Damien: Omen II: Actually, I should move this one back before both Amityville II and The Exorcist II, but that would involve editing. There is one ground on which I can defend its placement here. This is a sequel that's not only bad on its merits, but it also raises questions that end up spoiling its predecessor. By contrast The Exorcist escaped unscathed and the reputation of The Amityville Horror stands where it always stood. But the plot of Damien: Omen II can be summed up in the form of shampoo instructions: 1) Victim learns Damien is the antichrist 2) Victim tells someone (and enhances credibility by acting like a raving nutjob) 3) Victim gets killed in a bizarre fashion 4) Repeat. I have a huge question for this movie. If Damien's identity as the antichrist is supposed to be this big-ass secret, why are there so many clues lying around for people to find? In this movie, there's this wall supposedly painted in the 13th century that depicts the antichrist at four ages. (People didn't paint in photo-realistic styles in the 13th century, but never mind.) If Satan can sucessfully arrange the deaths of all these people, isn't it within his diabolical power to deface an inconvenient mural? And why is it always necessary for Satan to wait until after people have spread the word about his evil sprog before he kills the poor fools? If Satan knows what they know, why not simply bump them off from the start? Eventually, you start wondering why certain people got an opportunity to spill their guts before they-um-spilled their guts in the first movie as well. It's sad.

2. Batman and Robin: Throw any three random "Batman" comics in a blender and you'll come up with a better story than this one--a mess in which Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, Bane, and Dr. Joyce Brothers plan to freeze people, poison them, and, oh, who cares? The good news is that George Clooney's career recovered from this. I guess that mask really can be an asset.

1. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: I said Watley Smith was the second most grating character in movies. The holder of the title is here, in the body of Jon Cryer. His Lenny combines the annoying chattiness of Watley Smith with the superfluity of Jar Jar Binks to create a storm of itchiness unmatched in human experience. And he's not the only bad thing in the movie. Part of the film is occupied with a hostile corporate takeover of The Daily Planet. There's no reason to care about this, because most of action takes place off-stage and Superman can do nothing about it (and if he could, would we really want to watch Superman filing injunctions and arranging poison pills), but it keeps popping up in the movie, insisting on its share of the attention. The nuclear disarmament story, which starts with a letter from a cute child (not the slightest bit maniuplative), seems like a remarkably unilateral decision for an alien to make. Wouldn't the nations of the world start placing their supplies of kryptonite around key nuclear facilities? While I can see Superman speaking out on the subject or exercising moral leadership, I can't figure him putting all the world's nuclear weapons in a big bag and throwing them at the sun. What seems even less likely is that Lex Luthor would take the opportunity to create a dimwitted Superman clone (who, curiously, did not turn out to be Bizarro) as part of a scheme to re-arm the world. (Unless Superman got rid of all the world's uranium and tritium, the world could re-arm on its own, but, well, never mind.) As clones often do, this one rebels against his master and fights Superman in front of unconvincing rear-projection images. Eventually, Superman defeats Nuclear Man by locking him in an elevator (perhaps the least interesting means of victory ever conceived in a comic book franchise.) The movie hurts, hurts, hurts. I hate every frame of it. I hate, hate, hate, hate it.

I'm glad I got all that off my chest. I feel better. I feel...like...saying...Cabot, hey Cabot, what's going on Cabot? Cabot, speak to me. Cabot. Cabot. Why aren't you saying anything Cabot? Cabot. Cabot