The War In Bill-O's Head

The holiday season foists its share of unpleasant rituals upon us--the annual declaration of the hot new toy, the obligatory footage of consumer driven idiots forcing their way into Macy's, any TV special with the ending "on ice", and the knowledge that the cousins from Kansas that you hate will once again fail to take a plane that has the decency to crash. Still, there's one miserable ritual that top 'em all, one fatuous, tenth rate holiday habit that, like the evil ring of power, binds all the others into an unbeatable monstrosity of idiocy. That's Bill O'Reilly's annual War on Christmas.

People deal with this unloved and unwelcome intrusion in all sorts of ways. Mocking it can be fun, especially if you're the owner of large amounts of whiskey. (A proposed drinking game: every time Bill O'Reilly accuses the secular left of a plot, you take a drink. During the silly season, you may not make it through his whole show alive.) Others try ignoring it, but I'll try something I rarely attempt here: sincerity.

Until O'Reilly started raising a stink about which holiday greeting Target stores gave their customers, I really didn't think about the distinction between "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays", or the less popular "Season's Greetings". I assumed that those using "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" were expressing good wishes intended to correspond to the specific, named holiday; whereas "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" were used to refer to the period containing the holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day. Each greeting had its uses, and no matter which greeting a shopkeeper or passer-by settled on when addressing me, I assumed it was just an expression of friendliness and general goodwill. I'd respond in kind, and go on my way.

What bugs me most about what O'Reilly has done in ginning up this stupid controversy is that he's taken what should be a congenial gesture and turned it into a club to beat his enemies with. O'Reilly's made it hard to hear "Merry Christmas" without thinking of him, and because of that, he's vexed the words. Now I'm not allowed to simply smile and say "Merry Christmas" back. Instead I have to wonder what the person's motive is in saying "Merry Christmas". Is the gesture still friendly, or is it some sort of test? If I respond with "Happy Holidays" instead, or simply smile and wave or say "Thank you", does that mean I don't back Christmas with enough zeal? What should happen to me then? Should I be made to stand in front of a church and subject myself to Stalinist self-criticism? Should I be set in stocks at a mall where people can throw ornaments and fruit cake at me? I never saw Christmas as a chance to force my fellow man to declare a side. In this I must admit Bill O'Reilly's imagination is larger than mine.

Only a man as thoroughly lacking in the Christmas spirit as O'Reilly is would take a holiday meant to celebrate universal brotherhood and pervert it into an occasion for smearing and bullying. You're a punk, Bill. You really are.

Merry Christmas.