No One Ever Washes A Rented Penguin

European monarchy used to collect dwarves, and the Roman emperors brought exotic animals from the farthest reaches of the empire--both to execute in the Flavian amphitheater and to decorate their various palaces. (The Romans weren't big on animal rights.) P. Diddy was, by comparison, a sweetie:

"The animal rights zealots are apoplectic that six petrified-looking penguins were placed on a floating plexiglass platform in the pool at the opening of the Hotel Victor last Friday night. Several partygoers told PAGE SIX that the cold-weather birds were huddled in the corner of their platform the whole night, fearful of slipping down a slide into the pool's balmy waters." {NY post, via Majikthise}

If P. Diddy had been a Roman, he'd have placed a Sea Lion in the pool. Then he could stand in front of a little panel, look at each penguin and decide their fates. "That one amuses me," he'd say, and it would be spared. "This one is impudent. He shall pay for his defiance," he'd say of another. He'd then press a button on the panel and the penguin would fall to his doom. Either that, or he would have rented a hungry tiger shark and forced one of his entourage to get into a tank and fight it with a Thracian knife while the Penguins sit on an inclined icy plane above them, occasionally slipping in to distract both the shark and the diver. Basically, he'd have treated the penguins the way Bush treated his Texas death row prisoners. (Though Bush, like Caligula, never spared anyone.)

Still, what we've actually got here sounds more like neglect than abuse, and it's not surprising. People will naturally treat rented penguins the same way they treat rented bowling shoes or Chevy Metros. They don't own them, so they don't care. It's not like he's dealing with his pets. I'm sure if the crowned heads of Europe rented dwarves instead of buying them, the dwarves would have been in the same state.

So, Majikthise, if you covet penguins, don't stint. Buy them. In the meantime, I'm going to take a walk and try to figure out why this topic was so irresistible.