Wait! I left One Out!

Worst depiction of romance I've seen in a movie. The award goes to:

THE LONELY LADY

I think I've been blocking it out all this time, but yeah. There is no worse depiction of romance in any movie than there is in this one. I saw this movie when I was twelve. That night, I sneaked into the living room after my parents went to bed, because TV Guide said the movie had nudity, which at twelve was all I needed to know. Fully expecting to be as turned on as a twelve-year-old could be, I flicked on the television and turned the channel to HBO.

I wouldn't have another erection for five years.

Ickiest moments: Oh, where to begin? Let's tally up the damage here. We've got Ray Liotta raping Pia Zadora with a garden hose, followed by Pia's marriage to the Liotta character's father. (Didn't she even think about what Thanksgiving would be like?) Then we've got her husband, who is sweet to her until she "improves" his screenplay by making a widow at a funeral drop to her knees and cry out "Why? Why?" When he sees that revision, instead of using some white-out, he shows her his garden hose (wouldn't he have at least bought a new one?) and says "Maybe you prefer this to me!" This sends Pia careening from one weird fucked-up relationship to the next as she suffers the price of fame in Hollywood. I mean, I knew about the casting couch, but who knew that becoming famous required you to lie on a pool table naked while some creepy eurotrash guy shoots pool balls at your crotch? This movie is the kind of thing they should show teenagers if they want to get them to keep those abstinence pledges. It is brain-meltingly horrible. It is the product of a truly depraved imagination. Your hatred of the movie will not only extend to the producers, the writers, the directors, the actors, the best-boys, and the gaffers, but to all carbon based life forms everywhere in the universe.

(Throwing myself to the ground) WHY? WHY?