Hardcore Barry on Bill Action

Merry Solstice,' Bill

At a time when the nation found itself distracted by frivolities such as an unjust and illegal war, torture scandals, congressional scandals, statewide scandals, energy prices plunging an icy dagger into the hearts of American families, the continued calamitous ramifications of Katrina, and a White House overrun by felons and even traitors, leave it to Bill O'Reilly to bring the focus back to an issue we've all been ducking for far too long: holiday salutations. And who better than O'Reilly to appoint himself as Jesus' personal savior? Even if the FOX News host has things he'd much rather be doing with a marital aid, his anus, his leprechaunic Irish penis, a speaker phone, a loofa, some falafel, and an unwilling employee, he found the time to speak up for the vast majority of Americans: the oft-overlooked Christians. Christians who had become much too lax with department-store employees' godless use of phrases such as "Happy Holidays."

O'Reilly saw through this Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, pagan, Wicca, agnostic, atheist plot and spearheaded a drive to forcibly put the phrase "Merry Christmas" back in the mouths of those who during the rest of the year sincerely urge us to "have a good one."

By way of thanks, I'd like to send along this special holiday greeting to Mr. O'Reilly: Go fuck yourself ... you have the technology.

--Barry Crimmins