Merry Daily Show

All this Bill O'Reilly shit about Christmas would be a lot harder to take if Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert weren't around to mercilessly mock him. But in a way I have to give it up to our most famous falafel consumer. He's a man with his finger firmly on the railway track on which America travels. He saw that with all the problems in America--the War, the deficit, the willfully ignorant sociopath who somehow gets to run stuff--that what America really needs to pull itself together is a bullshit, fake-ass problem which can be blamed on invisible enemies that only Bill O'Reilly can see. And, like any helpful bus station lunatic, O'Reilly is delighted to point wildly at those enemies and call them by their proper names.

I'm not saying, by the way, that Bill O'Reilly is a common bus station lunatic. Can a bus station lunatic tie a full windsor knot? He may try, but the demon monkeys will always thwart him.

So, if you're out there, Bill, here's a message from me to you, simulcast directly into your skull via secret satellites of the great secular conspiracy (which meets every Saturday in the Factoria Mall Applebees at 7pm): Happy fucking Holidays, you diseased weeping pustule.

UPDATE: You can check out Jon Stewart's beatdown of O'Reilly here