How Next Year's Shooting Will Go

Day One: Dick Cheney's hunting partner, Samuel Flurffen, was rushed to the emergency room with what the White House calls a "severe cold". In spite of the internal bleeding caused by Flurffen's "heavy sneezing", the White House says he'll be fine.

Day Two: The White House announced that Samuel Flurffen has come down with the very lightest touch of pneumonia. Scott McLellan described rumors that the fluid in Flurffen's lungs was the result of Cheney's firing bullets through Flurffen's torso as an example of "the conspiracy-minded liberal media at work."

Day Three: Samuel Flurffen's internal organs suffered what the White House described as "a slight catastrophic failure" today. While some experts say this occurred because of massive internal injuries and lead poisoning, the White House dismisses these claims. "Sam's organs experienced only a minor failure as the result of his cold. It happens to everyone. Why you guys are obsessed with this we just don't know."

Day Four: The White House reports that Samuel Flurffen is "fine, in the pink, dancing the tarantella and happy as can be." Scott McLellan said that those reporting that Mr. Flurffen's body is stiff and cold "hate America" and should "watch what they say."

Day Five: Samuel Flurffen has been sent to a farm way out in the country, according to White House officials, where he can run and play in the outdoors with other Samuel Flurffens. Scott McLellan said it wouldn't be possible for reporters to visit him at this time, but assured a relieved nation that Flurffen has many wonderful days ahead of him. In a related note, funeral services for Samuel Flurffen will be held at the Little Chapel of Sorrow, 12 King's Road, Amarillo, Texas.